


Home

by KaitlynSpeight



Series: Be The Light [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, one-sided arousal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:32:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7577842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitlynSpeight/pseuds/KaitlynSpeight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel taking three steps forward and two back, but he is making progress. Maybe a little more than Sam had planned for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home

It’s slow moving, to Gabriel it doesn’t seem like he’s making  _ any  _ progress, but months later, Sam can start going out for short periods. Just long enough to pick up some groceries, or run a quick errand, but it’s  _ something _ . 

 

Another few months, and he can go back to work, trusting that Gabriel will be okay by himself for the hours he’s away. He doesn’t like it - hates leaving him alone - but his boss was more than generous letting him take the time off that he already had, he couldn’t keep blowing work off. 

 

After a couple weeks back at the office, Sam came home to a horrible  _ noise  _ coming from Gabriel’s study and quietly crept in, finding Gabriel moving his fingers clumsily over the keys of his piano. 

 

He silently closed the door behind him, leaning against it and watching Gabriel try to play, but his fingers could never bend quite right to hit the note he wanted. 

 

After a minute of watching, Sam noticed the silent tears streaking his boyfriend’s cheeks, the flinch every time he hit a sour note, and just as he was getting ready to step forward: Gabriel stopped playing, his head falling forward in defeat. 

 

“They took everything from me, Sam,” he whispered, tears falling off his nose and onto the keys. “I can’t play anymore, I can’t compose, I’m scared… All the time, I’m… I wish they’d’ve killed me… I shouldn’t have left.” 

 

Sam walked forward, wrapping Gabriel in his arms. “They didn’t take everything, Gabriel,” murmured, smiling weakly when Gabriel lifted his arm enough enough to grab onto his sleeve.

 

“What do I have left? Other than you, Sam, tell me one thing I still have.” He whispered, letting himself sag back against Sam’s solid frame. 

 

“You’re alive, Gabe, we can teach you how to do other things. I know you love the piano, but it’s a small price to pay. You’re  _ here,  _ you can learn something new, a different instrument. You can write or draw or paint, we’ll find you something.”

 

Gabriel sighed, squeezing Sam’s arm and slowly looking up at him, eyes red-rimmed and swimming in tears. “I can barely talk, I can’t sleep through the night. 

 

“I can’t walk long distances, I can’t hold small objects, I can’t eat certain foods, I can’t even make love to my boyfriend.” He paused, turning and leaning his head against Sam’s chest. “I’m tired of being afraid and… and fucking useless.”

 

Sam sighed, kissing the top of his head. “Gabriel, you aren’t useless, and we’ll get there. You’re already doing better than they expected at PT, your voice sounds better. Hell you only woke up twice last night!”

 

Gabriel peeked up at him, “I just want to be able to touch you again,” he muttered, slowly pulling himself to his feet, smiling weakly when Sam pressed a lingering kiss between his eyebrows. 

 

“Why don’t we cook dinner together tonight, after we eat we can see how you’re feeling.” 

 

Gabriel nodded, tucking himself against Sam’s chest, letting the steady heartbeat sooth him, “that sounds nice.”

 

Sam gently pet his back, “you’re alive, Gabriel, that’s the most important thing, as long as you’re here we can make it okay.”

 

Eventually Gabriel nodded, “you’re right, I’m alive,” he muttered, slowly drawing back from Sam and leading the way to the kitchen, angrily wiping at his tears, “barely…”

 

Sam sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, slowly trailing behind Gabriel. “I love you, you know,” he murmured, and Gabriel froze. 

 

“I love you too, Sam,” he whispered, He knew Sam loved him - knew how much all of this was hurting him, “can… can we have a picnic? Like we used to… Is the tree still there?” 

 

Sam smiled, “yeah, it is… And of course we can, do you wanna start dinner? I’ll get the car ready.” Gabriel nodded, happily setting about cooking dinner. 

 

By the time Sam joined him in the kitchen Gabe was humming quietly to himself, smiling slightly as he spun between the counters and the stove.

 

Sam thought for a minute, watching Gabriel work. “You know, I’ve been kinda babying you. How would you feel about doing a bit more around here?”

 

Gabriel lit up, smiling brightly at Sam, “really? What do you want me to do?”

 

Sam chuckled, leaning down to kiss his temple before walking to the counter and cutting up the rest of the vegetables while Gabriel went back to the stove. “Cooking, cleaning, laundry… Whatever you feel up do.”  

 

Gabriel nodded happily, stirring his concoction and lifting the spoon to his lips. “I can do that, I can definitely do that!” Gabriel smiled proudly, bouncing with an excitement Sam hadn’t seen since he’d been home.

 

The rest of the food prep went by in relative silence, Sam humming to himself and Gabriel devoting all of his attention to the meal. 

 

Gabriel insisted on packing up the food, carrying a basket of containers out to the car by himself before coming back in to get Sam, smiling proudly. 

 

Sam smiled, pulling him into a slow kiss. “Told you you’re doing better,” he whispered, leading the way back out to the car, fingers laced with Gabriel’s.

 

“Shut it, moose,” Gabriel whispered, beaming as he slid in the car.

 

Sam chuckled, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling out of the driveway, keeping a careful gauge on Gabe’s mood. This was the first time they’d gone out since the doctor when he got back, he didn’t wanna fuck it up.

 

“Hey, Sam, can I ask you a favor?” Gabe whispered after a beat, peeking up at Sam through a fringe of hair.

 

“Yeah, of course, angel,” Sam smiled, squeezing his shoulder, “what is it?”

 

“Do… you th-think you could pick me up a sketchbook, and some pencils? I was thinking about trying my hand at drawing before everything… Since I can’t play the piano anymore, it seems like a good opportunity.”

 

“I can do that,” Sam whispered, smile splitting his cheeks, “I can definitely do that.”

 

Gabriel hummed, letting the rest of the ride pass in silence. He was nervous to see how much had really changed since he’d last been there, but when Sam pulled to a stop, everything was the same as he remembered it.

 

“It’s like I never left,” he chuckled, smile faltering, so much was different, it was disconcerting to have something so unchanged.

 

Sam hummed, opting not to comment as he pulled out their blanket and spread it in the tall grass. 

 

Gabriel chewed his lip, helping Sam unload their dinner and tenderly sitting down.

 

“Still hurt?” Sam murmured, worriedly glancing at him as he adjusted himself.

 

“Not as bad as it was, joints are just sore mostly… ‘S the least of my problems.”

 

Sam sighed, flopping down next to him, “remind me to give you a massage later.”

After they finished eating, Gabriel happily cleaned up, packing the empty containers up before laying down next to Sam, tangling their fingers together. 

 

For a while, it was almost like nothing had changed. Like the last few years were nothing more than a dream. 

 

This was so familiar, watching the stars in the same field they always had, the warmth of Sam’s hand steady in his. 

 

He half expected to roll over and see a Sam that was five years younger, smiling at him like he used to. 

 

Instead he was met with red rimmed eyes, puffy from lack of sleep, and worry lines cutting deep into his once smooth skin. 

 

But still, Sam’s gaze was trained on him, the stars reflecting off bright eyes, just as full of love and admiration as they had always been. 

 

“I wanna… Can we- I want...” Gabriel trailed off, looking at Sam hopefully. 

 

The giant nodded, gently rolling Gabriel back onto his back, “do you wanna go home first?” gently tracing his fingers over blushing cheeks. 

 

Gabriel shook his head, “no, I… You’ll keep us safe, please,” he whispered, eyes never leaving Sam’s. 

 

Sam nodded again, gently kissing his lips, hands skimming reverently over his chest.

 

Gabriel clenched his fists in the blanket, looking up at the stars as Sam worked his way lower, fingers and lips skating over heated flesh. 

 

“You alright?” He hummed when he reached the hem of his pants, peeking up at him nervously. 

 

“I’m fine,” Gabriel mumbled, “I... “ he trailed off, shaking his head.

 

Sam hesitated for a second before stripping off Gabriel’s pants and mouthing along his utterly unimpressed cock. 

 

“Do you want me to stop?” He murmured after a few minutes when he still got no reaction. 

 

“No,” Gabriel mumbled, hiding behind his hands. “I… I’m sorry, I want to I just… I can’t…” He whimpered, biting back a sob, and Sam crawled back up his body, gently gripping his wrists and pulling his hands away from his face. 

 

“Gabriel, relax, it’s okay, you didn’t freak out this time, that’s progress,” Gabriel shook his head, shoving Sam away and covering his face, heaving a deep breath. 

 

“I want you to take me,” he mumbled after a minute, sitting up and dropping his hands. 

 

Sam shook his head, “Gabriel, I’m not… No.” He pulled Gabriel into his lap, tracing his fingers over his exposed skin. “If you want me to keep touching you, I will, but…”

 

Gabriel shook his head, “I want it, please,” he whispered, looking up at Sam with wide eyes. “I need to feel you, you make me feel safe…” 

 

Sam nodded slowly, “you’ll tell me if you want me to stop?” He murmured, a mask of apprehension clear on his face.

 

Gabriel nodded, leaning up to press a gentle kiss to his lips. “I promise, please…” He whispered, voice cracking. 

 

Sam nodded slowly, “I… There’s lube in the car, hold on,” he murmured, kissing the corner of his mouth and sliding out from under him. 

 

By the time he got back, Gabriel was shaking with anticipation and cold, grabbing onto Sam’s warm body the second he was in reach and sighing with relief. 

 

Sam smiled at him, gently pushing him down onto his back, “are you sure?” He whispered, hands reverently petting over his chilled skin. 

 

Gabriel nodded, and Sam slicked up his fingers, carefully dropping his hand between Gabe’s legs and working him open, murmuring praise into his hair. 

 

Gabriel purred under him, cock remaining unimpressed between his legs even as the touch sent warmth swirling through him. 

 

“Are you sure?” Sam murmured one more time, lining himself up, slowly pushing in at Gabriel’s nod. 

 

Gabriel let out a contented sigh, wrapping his legs around him.

 

Once he was fully seated Sam froze, tentatively searching Gabe’s face, “are you okay?” He whispered, relaxing when Gabriel smiled.

 

“I’m perfect, please,” he whispered, digging his heels into Sam’s back.

 

Sam nodded, reverently tracing his fingers down his cheek before starting a slow rhythm.

 

Gabriel was surprised how good it felt, with no shocks of arousal or the aching need to come, all that was left was strong arms holding him tight and the perfect push-pull  _ closeness _ of Sam. 

 

“I love you so much, Gabriel. You’re so so strong, ‘m so proud of you baby,” Sam murmured above him, panting into his hair, his hips stuttering as he got closer. 

 

Gabriel purred happily, combing his fingers through Sam’s hair and gently scraping his nails down Sam’s back, “I love you too Samshine, let go, it’s okay.”

 

Sam groaned in response, tenderly cupping Gabriel face between his hands and pulling into a kiss as he spilled inside of him.

 

Gabriel sighed happily against his lips, grinding back and obligingly clenching around him. “I love you, Sam, I love you so much, thank you…” 

 

Sam chuckled, pressing gentle kisses to his eyelids, gently brushing his hair out of his face. “I love you too, angel, although I have no idea why you’re thanking me.”

 

“This feels good… Being this close to you, it just… I feel human, and I missed the feeling.”

 

Sam smiled sadly, silently pulling him into a kiss and rolling them over onto their sides, his arms easily wrapping around Gabe’s waist as a small sob escaped his lips.

 

“I-I’m sorry I-I don’t-”

 

“Sh, it’s alright sweetheart, it’s okay, let it out…”

 

Gabriel nodded, tucking his head against Sam’s chest and sobbing quietly, trusting Sam to keep him safe. 

 

“I’m so proud of you baby boy, so so proud. It’s okay, I’ve got you, you’re okay…”

 

~~

 

True to his word, Sam picked up Gabriel a pack of differently weighted pencils and a sketch pad the next day, as well as a set of colored pencil and a basic ‘how to’ for shading. 

 

Gabriel absolutely lit up when he saw the bag in Sam’s hand, snatching it up and scampering off to their room to get to work. 

 

Time went on as usual, slowly but surely Gabriel started doing more. Sam would come home to freshly cooked meals and a clean house, and Gabe seemed to enjoy the work, smiles beginning to look less and less forced as time went one.

 

He also spent much more time locked away in his study, scribbling away in his sketchbook. He never let Sam see what he was working on, but every couple weeks he would ask Sam to pick him up a new book, announcing he had filled his latest one. 

 

There were nights when Gabriel didn’t come to bed until three or four in the morning. Other nights he wouldn’t come in at all and Sam would find him sound asleep with his head in his sketchbook the next morning. 

 

Sam never said a word about it, dutifully closing his book without looking and carrying Gabriel off to bed, tucking him in before leaving for work, only to come home to find Gabriel back to furiously scribbling away. 

 

It’s months before anything changes, and when it does it’s definitely not something Sam saw coming.

 

“Ah, Sam… I…” Sam looked up from his book, raising an eyebrow as Gabriel walked into the room, arms loaded down with books. 

 

“Did you rob a library?” He chuckled, setting aside his book and sitting up, furrowing his brow as Gabriel dragged his feet across the room, setting the pile on the coffee table and sinking onto the couch next to Sam, shifting nervously. 

 

“Gabriel, what’s going on?” He asked when Gabriel wasn’t forthcoming with an explanation. 

 

“Will... you look through them?” He whispered, not meeting Sam’s eyes, and Sam looks at the top of the pile, the first book, plain black leather… The first sketchbook he had gotten Gabe. 

 

“You… want me to… are you sure?” He asked, eagerly picking up the small book. Gabriel nodded, and Sam slowly flipped through the book, eyes, hands, mouth, eyes, hair… By the end of the book, Sam couldn’t breathe. 

 

“That was… all me, wasn’t it?” Gabriel nodded shyly, picking up the second book, offering it to Sam. Again, it was a collection of Sam, eyes, lips, feet, hands… Seemingly anything Gabriel had caught site of over the last few months. 

 

All of the books were the same, bits and pieces of him, slowly getting better, more detailed, and by the end of the last book Sam was blown away. 

 

The last page of the last book was different, the first full body picture he had seen. He stared at it for a minute, it was still him, sitting on the couch, but kneeling in front of him there was something else. A little gremlin, missing patches of hair, limbs bending at horrible angles. The skin that was exposed was red and scarred, but still the detail was exquisite.  

 

It took him a while to figure out, gently petting his fingers over the creature, “this… Is supposed to be you isn’t it?” He asked, slowly looking up, the sketchbook falling from his hands when he did. 

 

Gabriel was kneeling, in the same place he had been drawn in the picture, holding out a box. “Will.. you marry me?” He whispered, hands shaking and tears welling in his eyes. 

 

Sam slowly moved the books from his lap, sinking to his knees in front of Gabriel and cupping his cheeks between his hands. “God, Gabriel, of course I will,” he whispered, pulling him into a slow kiss. 

 

“Is that… really how you think you look?” He murmured when he drew back, watching Gabriel work the ring onto his finger. 

 

Gabriel nodded slowly, not looking up from Sam’s hand, eyes glued to the silver band now firmly in place. His, Sam was his. 

 

“Sweetheart, you’re so so much more than that, you’re beautiful. Amazing. If I have to learn how to draw to show you that I will,” Sam murmured, gently hooking a finger under Gabriel’s chin. “Yes, you have scars, but they aren’t nearly as bad as that… You’re stunning, every inch of you, and I have the rest of my life to show that to you.”

 

Gabriel blushed, meeting Sam’s eyes. “I love you,” he whispered, eyes still filled with tears. 

 

“I love you too, angel, so  _ so  _ much.”


End file.
